A tearing year

It is almost the end of year and what are my thoughts? I was feeling rather blue since I've returned to work and seen that almost everyone at work has advanced in their jobs (increased money, status and job descriptions). Everyone is gaining in their endless climb to the top. Everyone but me. I feel rather left behind. But I conquered that misery by reminding myself that I do not want their jobs. Even if they come with power and money. I would like their money.

What other thoughts do I have about this year? I've grown a tiny bit. I feel more like the woman I want to be. I'm progressing in what I most love in the world - my writing. I'm able to tolerate the idea of doing work and writing simultaneously. I'm able to disconnect myself from the work completely and look upon it like a beast on the morgue table.

I've also learned that you cannot cut yourself off from those you love even when they come bearing terrible sufferings, knives and guns. You have to be there. You have to accept that loving others and being loved by them, comes sometimes with horrors.

I know my own limitations, my selfishness and inablity to help beyond a certain point. I am not god. I am not even a good woman for most of the time. In fact, I recognize I am weak. I do not want to extend myself for others. I want to be let alone.

If I go through this year in detail, I'd flinch. I would flinch at myself. And so I pick and choose the incidents that I touch on lightly. The number of times I made my mother cry, the arguments with one of my sisters over the rental property renovations, the disrespect I extended to my father for his refusal to make arrangements for my handicapped sister, my actual distaste and hatred for my handicapped sister for being such a burden and a drag on my life, the impatience I have for my sons for not being the best, brightest, quickest. Yeah, all these incidents come back. They don't haunt me for I am not going to regret them. But they make me flinch.

And what about my hurting my husband? My best friend. If you have a best friend, you know when you harm the one nearest and dearest to you, that in fact, you are hurting yourself. I regret only that. Even when I regret nothing else, I regret that.

Life happens. I know who I am and what I've done and I wish I were someone else. But I'm not. I'm me. I accept who I am. This year, like last year has been a tearing year. I rip it off and let it go. I am ready for 2009.