Do not fear your losses

I have a dollar in front of me. All over the house, there is change in drawers and pockets and purses. I am a change collector. I think this habit of collecting coins started when I was a child. Growing up in England, my parents were typical starving student family except they were bringing up three kids. Dad was finishing his pathologist degree and mum was unable to work as a nurse. I think they were limited in what food they could buy and as a consequence, we were always rather hungry. When I grew up the seeds of this childhood, has grown into this tree of wanting cash. I collect money, paper money, coin money, money in banks as if this will save me from poverty again.

But why am I so afraid of being poor? Is it the loss of control? Of not having food? I don't think there is any chance of me becoming that poor again unless the entire economic system collapses (and certainly, with the dim light bulbs we have in power, it is possible that this will happen). In reality, I think we will be fine. It is just we all feel a lot poorer these days now that our houses are not artificially inseminated with more worth than they were thought to be.

Having money all around the house is simply a sort of amulet against disaster. I keep cash just in case. Just in case what? Just in case, I need to have money to pay for food. Just in case the banks fail. Just in case, the government goes nuts like Argentina and we have the full scale conflagration of the middle class that is happening anyway in an infinitesimal manner.

I think the only thing we must do when we are faced with dreams that are shattered, when we are left in a room alone with the man we wanted more than anything gone, when we have no net worth except that in our head, heart and soul to do what this poet suggest we do - face it, accept it and go on. Do not bow down to the experience. Go forth despite all of this.


The god forsakes Antony
When suddenly, at the midnight hour,
an invisible troupe is heard passing
with exquisite music, with shouts --
your fortune that fails you now, your works
that have failed, the plans of your life
that have all turned out to be illusions, do not mourn in vain.
As if long prepared, as if courageous,
bid her farewell, the Alexandria that is leaving.
Above all do not be fooled, do not tell yourself
it was a dream, that your ears deceived you;
do not stoop to such vain hopes.
As if long prepared, as if courageous,
as it becomes you who have been worthy of such a city,
approach the window with firm step,
and with emotion, but not
with the entreaties and complaints of the coward,
as a last enjoyment listen to the sounds,
the exquisite instruments of the mystical troupe,
and bid her farewell, the Alexandria you are losing.

Constantine P. Cavafy (1911)
http://users.hol.gr/~barbanis/cavafy/antony.html


Do not fear your losses. They are there to tell you something. You lived your life. Your life and even if it has "turned out to be illusions, do not mourn in vain." No, you must not be a coward. You must be brave. You must say good bye to your losses and not fear their going.